


What Could Have Been And What Was

by LalondeLesbian



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Divergent, F/F, epilogue rewrite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 17:33:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18707077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LalondeLesbian/pseuds/LalondeLesbian
Summary: Calliope is certain that Roxy will be happiest with John, but Roxy isn't so sure.Epilogue scene rewrite done for this weeks challenge in the Homestuck Content Creation Station. Spoilers for the Candy Epilogue are ahead.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: some of this dialogue is copied directly from the epilogues, but all of the narration and most of the dialogue is my writing!

Roxy’s been spending a lot of time with John lately, mostly as a way to get him out of the house more often. It’s cut into her time with Calliope a bit, which sucks, but she figures she’s had 7 years to spend time with her girlfriend. She needs to switch it up a bit, broaden her horizons, and John’s been stuck in house for just as long. Roxy wants to give him reasons to get out more often, so it’s been friend dates and movie nights and arcades for a few days now. Calliope doesn’t seem to mind at least, in fact she always seems weirdly excited about the prospect despite the fact that she hardly ever actually participates. She mostly just sits by the sidelines, giving them wistful looks and serene smiles.

Right now, the three of them are walking through downtown New Prospit, because Roxy wants to take John to her and Callie’s favorite cafe. It’s a nice place, and Roxy’s spent hours there mooching off of the free wifi, writing fanfiction, chatting with friends, and getting to know the world that they all now live in. It’s got a nice atmosphere and a lot of fond memories, and Roxy wants to make a few more with John now that he’s finally out and about.

John is walking in the front, and he almost passes right by the little shop. Roxy grabs his arm before he can get to far away and swings him back towards the cafe.

ROXY: were here check it  
JOHN: where’s here?  
ROXY: me n callies fave cafe!!

Roxy looks at him expectantly, hoping he’ll be as happy as she is to be here--when he isn’t, her heart sinks a little, and she presses closer to him.

JOHN: that’s it? we’re going to a coffee shop?  
JOHN: i got out of bed for THIS?

Roxy winces internally. She knows John been having it rough, but she’s really trying her hardest here. If Roxy has learned anything about living here, it’s that nothing ever really happens. If you don’t want to lose your mind, you have learn to appreciate the little things. She doesn’t want to sound preachy, though, so she just puts on a smile and tries to lighten the mood.

ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: oh john ur so FUNNY  
JOHN: no seriously roxy i just…  
JOHN: i mean, i feel like i haven’t left my house in years, and with all the stuff that’s been going on, like rose’s illness, or that stuff about the “political situation,” is it really a good idea for us to be having picnics and going out to coffee shops?  
CALLIOPE: oh john, don’t worry so mUch aboUt things that yoU have no control over.  
CALLIOPE: like i said the other day, it’s time for Us to leave Ugly things behind Us.  
ROXY: yea for real john cant u just enjoy what a beautiful day it is  
ROXY: i know IM enjoyin it  
ROXY: since i get to spend it with u like ive always been wanting  
JOHN: you... you have?  
ROXY: yeah duh

Roxy pulls him closer again, resting her head on his shoulder in kind of a half hug. It’s hard because he’s a pretty compact guy, short and beefy and soft, but it’s the thought that counts. She pulls him inside, leading him to the counter and asking him what he wants. She orders for him and pays for him too--not out of any sense of obligation, just because that’s what a good friend would do, she thinks. She didn’t exactly have a lot of friends growing up, but this is how it’s supposed to work in the movies right?

Roxy leads John again, her arm looped in his, to she and Calliope’s favorite table. She kisses his cheek, and realizes she’s smudged a bit of lipstick across it. Damn, she knew she should’ve dabbed her lips a little more earlier. She picks up a napkin to wipe it off, like a mother tending to a child, then takes the seat across from him. Despite her best efforts, he looks… bored, mostly. Like this isn’t really doing anything for him. Roxy’s heart sinks a little.

ROXY: so how ya likin the coffee  
ROXY: p good right  
JOHN: its okay i guess. i never really drank it growing up, but its… good?

Roxy takes a sip of her coffee too. This is… This is going terribly. She feels like she’s putting in all the effort here, and she’s not really getting anything for her trouble.

ROXY: thats fair ig  
ROXY: how u likin downtown prospit tho?  
ROXY: its super nice right? all the buildings r so pretty n shit

John looks pensive for a moment, like he isn’t sure what to say. He opens his mouth to answer her question, but something catches his eye behind her.

JOHN: hey, uh, is calliope okay?  
ROXY: watchu mean  
JOHN: well, she just left…  
JOHN: she looked like she was crying.  
ROXY: o fuck

Roxy twists in her chair, grimacing. She doesn’t want to just leave John, but she hasn’t seen Calliope cry in a long time. Something’s obviously wrong. She picks her purse up off the chair and slings it around her shoulder.

ROXY: you kno how to get home ok right  
JOHN: yeah, i guess.  
JOHN: i can always just fly up until i see it if i really need to.  
ROXY: ok sweet

She walks around the table to give him a kiss on the cheek, leaving another smudge of makeup. She doesn’t care to clean this one off.

ROXY: i gotta go take care a my girl but ill totally see u soon ok  
ROXY: pinky promise n all that

She doesn’t wait for John’s response, jogging out of the cafe. She pauses and peaks her head back in.

ROXY: hey wait did u see which way she went

John points to his right and she nods, running off with a look of purpose. She skips off the ground and starts flying instead, propelling herself as quickly as she can manage. She has a feeling she knows exactly where Calliope went, and that’s where she checks first.

After about a minute of flying, she finds a quaint little bookstore, a two story joint with tables and shelves all through it and a collection of eccentrically designed comfy chairs littered haphazardly throughout the space. She waves to the person at the front counter, touching back down on the ground and hopping up the stairs two at a time.

Finding Calliope is a pretty easy task--she’s a seven and a half foot tall green snake monster, so she stands head and shoulders above any of the shelves that might hide someone of her or John’s height. Callie doesn’t seem to have noticed her coming up the stairs, so Roxy quietly walks up behind her and reaches up to put a hand on her back.

CALLIOPE: oh!  
ROXY: hey b

When Calliope turns around, her huge eyes are green and wet, like she’d just finished crying. She won’t meet Roxy’s gaze, twiddling her fingers like she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Roxy immediately wraps her arms around her waist, pressing close and nuzzling her face into the softness of her chest. Calliope’s cheeks flush green and she awkwardly wraps her hands around Roxy in return. The hug lasts only a moment before Calliope pulls away though.

CALLIOPE: what aboUt yoUr date with john? did yoU jUst leave him behind?  
ROXY: johns a big boy he can find his own way home  
ROXY: its not like i can just leave my angel to cry by herself!  
CALLIOPE: it’s fine, dear, really. yoU shoUld go back and spend more time with him! yoU’ll be far happier that way.

Calliope gives a sad smile that breaks Roxy’s heart. This all feels… weird. A little wrong, a little strange. Was she being too clingy with John? Did she give Calliope the wrong idea?

ROXY: babe me n john are just friends  
ROXY: were jus pals hangin out n gettin coffee sometimes  
CALLIOPE: well… have yoU ever considered being more than friends with him?  
ROXY: uh  
ROXY: no????  
ROXY: i mean i did back when we were in the game ig  
ROXY: but tbh i was after p much any eligible dude i could get my hands on back then  
ROXY: i dont think it was like a real serious thing

Roxy can’t read Calliope’s face now, even after years of practice with her alien features. It tugs at her heartstrings, like looking at a sad puppy to the tune of that one singer with the name that doesn’t sound like words.

CALLIOPE: i think yoU shoUld give him another chance, dear. i think yoU’ll be far happier with him, and all i’ve ever wanted is for yoU to be happy.  
CALLIOPE: he’s a good man, and i think you two will be absolUtely adorable together! in fact i’m positively certain of it.  
CALLIOPE: i’ll be jUst fine.

Roxy feels confused. Confused and hurt and sick to her stomach a little bit. She shouldn’t have had all that coffee without eating something first. Her heart aches, she can feel her blood pounding in her ears. All of this feels wrong, but she can’t put a finger on why.

ROXY: are u breakin up w me?  
CALLIOPE: i… i suppose i am. it’s only becaUse i love yoU, roxy, and i truly do believe that john will make yoU far happier than i can, and yoU, more than anyone, deserve to be happy.  
ROXY: but…  
ROXY: idk babe  
ROXY: i dont wanna just drop what we got for a maybe thing  
ROXY: esp when john is that maybe thing  
ROXY: no offense but dude didnt leave his house for like 7 years  
CALLIOPE: roxy, yoU’re being qUite silly. everything is going to be jUst fine! we are all going to be happy, and yoU will be happiest with john, and i have made my peace with that.  
CALLIOPE: please, roxy, promise me yoU will try?  
CALLIOPE: yoU both deserve each other. i promise yoU i will be just as happy.

A million thoughts fly through Roxy’s head. She doesn’t understand--yes, she likes John, but she doesn’t see how being with him will make her any happier than staying with Calliope. She reached through the void of Paradox Space itself to find her and bring her back to life, and they’ve been together basically ever since. She barely knows anything else, and as far as she’s concerned that’s just fine.

But… Calliope sounds so sure. She’s looking at Roxy a way that she’s only seen a scant few times before. Calliope is almost always ready to acquiesce to just about any request, often to a fault. Roxy’s tried her best to break her of the habit, to advocate for herself more often, and… She supposes this is it. She’s disagreeing with Roxy, she’s standing her ground, she’s insistent. It’s… strange. For once Roxy wishes she would’ve been assertive about something else, but she can’t bear to deny her angel.

ROXY: i…  
ROXY: i guess ill give it a shot  
ROXY: if u rly think i should

Calliope sweeps her up into a hug, lifting her off the ground like she’s nothing, and Roxy’s surrounded by her presence. She feels Calliope broad chest on her cheek, her strong arms around her waist, one hand between her shoulder blades and the other on the small of her back. It’s calming, safe, familiar, like a million other hugs that Calliope’s given her, and yet it’s different in a way she can’t describe. Roxy wonders if this is the last time she’ll feel something like that.


	2. Chapter 2

ROXY: mfkr i think im outta mascara   
ROXY: god that blows

Roxy thanks whatever gods are listening (herself, she guesses) that there’s enough left in the bottle to decently cover up her bright blonde eyelashes, blending in with the heavy eyeliner she’s done up on herself. She takes a look at her face again, caked in makeup. It feels… weird. Everything about the past several weeks feels weird. It’s not necessarily the makeup that feels weird, either--she’s been doing makeup since she found a tutorial on how to look like a goth girl at the tender age of 14. It’s one way of connecting with her womanhood that makes her feel really connected to herself, that helps her feel sure that she’s in there, somewhere, not just an empty vessel. She didn’t have the societal expectations usually placed on trans women as a kid, thank god, so she doesn’t feel as insecure about her femininity as she might have in another life, but doing all this for a man, even a man like John, feels… wrong.

She wonders if John ever thinks about things like this, if he ever questions himself. Calliope did--Roxy and Calliope could stay up for hours talking about their genders, their feelings, the society around them. They both grew up kind of disconnected from gender. Calliope only had the reference points of Cherub experiences and the few humans she met, neither of which were exactly standard, and Roxy had only the influence of her long dead mother and the movies and books she’d left behind for her.

Neither of them has the body of an especially stereotypical woman, either--Calliope with her inhuman height, broad shoulders, and naturally muscled physique, and Roxy with her… well, with her penis, or at least what used to be her penis. Roxy lucked out on the body side of things. Her mother, in her supernatural foresight, had left her the hormones she needed to stop her puberty in its tracks, and she’d ended up with the Lalonde trademark wide hips and soft lips, though she ended up a bit more tall and slender than Rose did. She still wishes her boobs were a little bigger, but all in all she’s happy with how she turned out.

Roxy checks her phone. Part of her wants to see a notification there, with Calliope’s cute face right next to it, but she doesn’t hold her breath. Surely enough, there’s nothing but a couple of spam emails for things she needs to unsubscribe from, and a clock that tells her she’s been in the bathroom for going on 20 minutes now. Fuck.

She scurries out of the bathroom, her face made back up impeccably, even after the little cry she’d had in the bathroom stall. She almost trips in the heels she’s wearing, but she manages to catch herself. She wonders if she’s overdoing it on the femininity front.

When Roxy arrives at the table, she notices John fumbling with is phone for a moment. She wonders who he’s talking to--is there someone he’d rather be with too? Roxy can’t help but wonder.

ROXY: sorry for takin so long had to reapply the face u kno how it is   
ROXY: actually u probably dont but let me tell u makeups a BITCH   
JOHN: roxy, you don’t have to do all that for me!   
JOHN: i’m basically a schlub these days. i don’t care if you wear makeup or not.   
JOHN: you... you’re pretty either way, you know that right?   
ROXY: oh dont worry its not for you lol   
ROXY: but thats sweet as hell i appreciate the sentiment   
JOHN: oh. um, that’s cool. why do you need it, then?   
ROXY: john…   
ROXY: do u ever think about like   
ROXY: gender???   
JOHN: ???   
JOHN: uh. not really, i guess?   
JOHN: but i don’t think girls should feel like they HAVE to wear makeup just because they’re girls.   
ROXY: lol   
ROXY: thats not what im getting at   
JOHN: what do you mean then?   
JOHN: are you, like…   
ROXY: like what   
ROXY: trans? i mean ya have u been under a rock   
JOHN: no, i mean, i know that!   
JOHN: i guess i just meant...   
JOHN: are you having second thoughts?

Roxy looks away, pursing her lips in thought. She isn’t, not about womanhood--she has a complicated relationship with it, but she’s never really wanted to  _ stop _ being a woman. She just thinks about doing it… differently.

ROXY: not rly   
ROXY: i mean kinda but not abt that   
ROXY: sometimes i think abt like   
ROXY: how i woulda turned out if id been born a few hundred years earlier   
ROXY: er   
ROXY: meteor impacted a few hundred years earlier ig lol   
JOHN: oh.   
JOHN: yeah, that makes sense i guess.   
JOHN: dave and jade were really the only trans people i knew growing up.   
JOHN: dave… didn’t really like to talk about it, and jade never seemed to really question things, i guess because she grew up on an island.   
JOHN: kinda like you, except without all the chess people.   
ROXY: yea jades got her own weird stuff goin on   
ROXY: i kinda dig it tbh but its kinda hard to connect w her on shit   
ROXY: she doesnt rly think abt like…   
ROXY: how other ppl think abt her so much   
ROXY: thats probs a good thing lmao   
ROXY: i just think about like   
ROXY: idk dressin up all fancy like this feels a little weird   
ROXY: like im pretendin to be something im not

John looks thoughtful for a moment, like he has something to say but can’t figure out how to word it. It’s obvious this conversation has gotten a little weird for him, and Roxy thinks maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

JOHN: i don’t know.   
JOHN: i guess i like being a man okay.   
JOHN: my dad was one, and he was pretty great. i think if i can turn out like him, i’ll probably be in a pretty good spot!   
ROXY: heh   
ROXY: thats pretty cute

John gives this big, doofy grin that warms Roxy’s heart. She thinks for a moment that maybe she could get used to this. She could get used to John, with his big heart and his simple attitude towards everything. She thinks it for a moment, but then she remembers Calliope’s smile and her heart hurts again. She lets out a little chuckle to cover up the way her ears are starting to prick with tears, grabbing a napkin to dab at them carefully. She does  _ not  _ want to reapply her makeup  _ again  _ today.

ROXY: sry for the interrogation but i gots another question 4 u   
ROXY: do u

She hesitates. She doesn’t want to ruin this, she doesn’t want to lose John as a friend again. He’s been doing so well lately--Casey tells Roxy that he’s leaving the house without her now, that he’s been texting his friends again. Roxy doesn’t want to jeopardize that, but…

JOHN: do i…???   
ROXY: do u think this is goin newhere?   
ROXY: like not just the date i mean like   
ROXY: this… thing   
ROXY: us   
ROXY: the whole roxygen debacle

John looks away. This is obviously something he’s been thinking about too. He runs a hand through his scruffy hair--Roxy sets a mental reminder to get him a haircut before he starts looking like the protagonist of that movie he loves so much. He looks handsome like this, but when Roxy looks at him it’s not romantic love she feels, it’s not even lust. He just looks like… a friend. Like one of the best friends she’s had since coming to Earth C.

JOHN: can i be honest?   
ROXY: uh duh   
ROXY: i aint gonna ask sth like that and expect u 2 lie   
ROXY: what kinda friend would do that   
JOHN: heh.   
JOHN: yeah, i guess that would be pretty shitty!   
JOHN: um… i’m not sure. i mean, back when we were teenagers, i liked you a lot. for a little while i did really want to be with you!   
JOHN: but then you went off to save calliope, and you gave her that ring.   
JOHN: it was really sweet! you two looked adorable together, especially since she was so… small back then.   
JOHN: and you still looked adorable a few weeks ago when you invited me to that picnic. i just kind of assumed you were going to be together forever.   
JOHN: but then i said i was going to stay and you both started acting kind of weird.   
JOHN: i didn’t want to say anything, but i was thinking about asking you about it.

Roxy looks away. The tears are definitely starting, and she dabs at her eyes with her napkin.

ROXY: calliope said like   
ROXY: she didnt think id be happy w her   
ROXY: she said i should be w u instead   
ROXY: but i just cant stop thinkin abt her john   
JOHN: wow.   
JOHN: that sounds like bullshit!

Roxy looks at him with a hurt expression for a moment.

ROXY: wh-   
JOHN: why does calliope get to decide who you’re going to be happy with?   
JOHN: and what if I’M not happy with you?

Roxy lets out a little laugh and wipes her nose on her sleeve. The waterworks are still coming. She isn’t out and out bawling, but she’s definitely gonna have to reapply her makeup again.

JOHN: oh, fuck.   
JOHN: did i go to far?   
ROXY: nono   
ROXY: ur good   
ROXY: i think ur probs right actually   
JOHN: i am?   
ROXY: yeah ofc u are johnny boy   
JOHN: wow. i don’t think i’ve been right about something in a long time.   
ROXY: well then cheers 2 bein right and cheers 2 our particular romantic shenanigans bein donezo   
JOHN: i’ll drink to that!

They share a laugh, and it’s the best Roxy’s felt all day. She offers a toast, and they clink glasses, water splashing on the table cloth and some of the breadsticks--not that they were very good anyway. Not nearly enough garlic, in Roxy’s opinion.

It’s then that Roxy notices Dave running down the street, not just walking but out and out sprinting.

ROXY: oh   
ROXY: wtf look behind you

John turns around to look at Dave, and they lock eyes. There’s a moment of connection there that Roxy doesn’t quite understand. Is that the way she looks at Calliope? The sense of mutual understanding, of years of shared experiences and friendship? She hopes so.

Dave slips into the restaurant, power walking towards them like a mall mom chasing her unruly daughter until he slams his hand down on the table.

DAVE: hey dude   
DAVE: and roxy   
DAVE: uh rather…   
DAVE: hey dudes   
DAVE: sorry to imply that dude wasnt a gender neutral term because it totally is   
DAVE: anyone can be a dude if they really want thats part of the beauty of living in this brand new world with none of the baggage our old world had like gender and sexuality and relationships only involving a very specific number of people   
ROXY: dave u ok   
DAVE: yeah totally when am i not ok   
ROXY: p often actually   
DAVE: nah im fine theres absolutely nothing strange or awkward going on in my life at all   
DAVE: unrelated to anything i just said john i gotta talk to you for a sec   
JOHN: ok. go ahead!   
DAVE: no i mean like outside   
DAVE: in private   
DAVE: with no one else around   
ROXY: u SURE youre ok??   
DAVE: yeah mom im fine   
DAVE: sorry that was me being sarcastic about how youre all worried over me when im just ice fucking cold levels of cool at the moment   
DAVE: not referencing that youre my literal mom which i know is all kinds of awkward every single time i do it   
DAVE: which is a lot i guess   
ROXY: lmao i dont think its awkward at all   
DAVE: oh cool   
DAVE: me neither   
DAVE: mom   
JOHN: um, roxy’s right. you seem kind of off right now.   
DAVE: nah i just had a sudden need for a bro down   
DAVE: just an unquenchable thirst to be showered in a flashstorm of righteous bro juice   
JOHN: yikes.   
DAVE: gotta guzzle the shit out of it like gatorade after a sports match   
DAVE: help me out here my brolectrolytes are low   
JOHN: …   
DAVE: john just come on its important   
JOHN: yeah, sure.... roxy, are you fine waiting here by yourself for a while?   
ROXY: actually if its all the same 2 u john   
ROXY: i think im gonna head home   
ROXY: this has been rly gr8 and ur a rly good pal   
ROXY: but i think theres a girl i gotta talk to asap

John gives her an understanding look, and that big, doofy grin again. He seems to have grown into his teeth a little bit more, no longer the bucktoothed kid she met in that Derse prison once upon a time, but a man. A friend that she can rely on.

JOHN: go get her!   
JOHN: or something. i think that’s what someone would say at this point in the romcom. that’s more karkat’s thing than mine.   
ROXY: lol   
ROXY: john ur the best   
ROXY: ill see yall nerds l8r im gonna go kiss a snake alien

Dave looks between them. Even his Stiller shades can’t hide that he totally doesn’t understand what’s going on, but he doesn’t question it.

DAVE: cool we can all leave together like the trio of suave motherfuckers we are   
DAVE: nothing weird about that im just a guy coming in to retrieve two of his best pals who are on something that is apparently not a date?   
ROXY: no i mean it was a date but its like   
ROXY: probs the last date   
ROXY: between us i mean   
JOHN: yeah!

Dave looks even more confused. He throws his hands in the air, then shoves them into his pockets and makes a beeline for the door. John and Roxy share a hug together, and then they both follow him out.


End file.
